vivid dreams are poking at me
I'm in Japan visiting my parents. How wonderful to feel the sensations and see familiar sights. But suddenly, I realize in horror that my water broke, and I remembered that I was pregnant. I feel a desperation about my mistake in coming to Japan because I'm utterly unprepared - don't have a doctor or hospital, don't know the procedures, haven't packed, and my gosh, Dav is in SF! I call Dav frantically to tell him the baby is coming in less than 24 hours. Can you get over here??? Dav tries to sound calm on the phone, and says he's getting a ticket right away. But we both know he probably won't make it here in time.
Meanwhile, my mom is packing a bag for me so we can head to some hospital. But she's packing all these beautiful clothes she was going to hand down to me. They are colorful with flowers, and I remember her wearing them as a kid. No! I don't want to destroy those! This is labor, mom! My dad comes up and shows me several bags of dried fruit he has assembled for us to snack on during labor. I'm grateful, but eating is the last thing I'm focused on. I need Dav!! Oh, the sinking feeling that I'll be doing this almost on my own...why did I come to Japan when it was so close to my due date???
It's been years since I've noticed that I don't remember my dreams. When I do, once in a blue moon, I'm astonished and delighted at how cool and weird dreams can be. Lately, however, I'm definitely remembering my dreams. I've heard that pregnancy can make dreams more vivid, so this is an interesting experience indeed. And a theme is emerging; surprise, surprise, it's about my due date.
I've think I've been pretty laid back about this pregnancy. Didn't go out and buy 101 books (did receive a few used ones that I referred to), didn't make any list of do's and don'ts, and am not too uptight about much (although I'm noticing a bigger urge to organize stuff in the house). I've let my body do its thing, and Gargle her thing, with a sort of amused detachment - "wow, it works!"
But the clock is ticking, and Gargle will soon be ready to come out. I haven't really processed that reality yet. It's hard enough as it is to grasp that Dav and I will soon be parents, will soon welcome a whole other human being into our family, and we'll be in charge of shaping her values and experiences. Things have happened so smoothly and lovingly that there's no logic to comprehend what this means. It just is. Don't get me wrong; I'm quite thrilled about this and can't believe my luck in getting to do this with Dav. It's truly a special bond to share. It's just that with so much lovey dovey changes going on, I haven't paid much attention to the process so aptly called LABOR.
My dreams are hinting for sure...indicating some sort of mental prep happening behind the scenes. And now that I'm remembering the dreams, I'm paying attention (going to our first birthing class last Saturday was another reality jolt).
I've had other vivid dreams, like one where I felt contractions. I don't know what they really feel like, but in my dream, I was already leaving my body, looking down at my tummy, wanting to get as far away as I could from it. I woke up shocked at the intensity of that.
I'm sharing this because I've been more internal lately. In some ways I feel I should be constantly documenting about this experience. However, I've been content carrying on life as usual, posting about the mundane (although a lot of baby stuff does come up as that is creeping into even the mundane now). I don't really know what to say about the pregnancy. Yes, it's amazing, I love feeling her kick and become real, I love sharing this with Dav and am so proud of him, am feeling deeply grateful to my parents for what they've done for me, and just feel lucky. But it just is. I can't give it words adequately.
Now though, as I'm getting closer to what seems like some animalistic twilight zone I'm to step through, I guess I need to process this.
hmmn: musings from the far east(erwood)
Big in Japan
Ed the Cat
Anil, the Nigritude Ultramarine
A Full Belly
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