What it's been like

Many people ask me how I'm feeling and how the pregnancy is going. This doesn't bother me at all, as I enjoy talking about this experience. But I realized I haven't shared a lot of details on Kokochi...and since this is where I essentially keep a diary, I decided I should take notes for my future reading & reminiscing.

Now that I'm nearing the end, I'm aware that this incredible experience will soon be in the past, and memories may even fade. I've almost gotten used to being pregnant, taking some of it for granted, even though there are constant changes in my body. Inside, however, I am thrilled every minute; just don't want to gush all the time. I observe my body and am amazed at how it works. I know it's my body, but as Dav has noted before, I sometimes talk about my body as if I'm detached from it. I don't think I am; it's just that my body does all sorts of things on its own, not from my conscious effort or decisions. And that's neat in a connected-to-biology way. I mean, excuse me for being blunt, but Dav and I have sex one time, and voila! A baby is on her way. I'm personally not cell-dividing and deciding what is an eyeball or finger. I am in awe. Especially since it's inside me.

About the pregnancy, I must say that I've had it easy. I've heard and read enough to know that I've had zero complications, and even an ideal pregnancy. No morning sickness, and I'm pretty much moving around as normal (up until lately, at least).

I had that pinched nerve in the butt for a while, but besides the split second pain when it was triggered, it was OK to feel an effect from Gargle. If she was sitting on my nerve, well, I knew she was there!

I remember the faint fluttering of movement at first. Now, I'm much more used to constantly feeling her, and I can feel very real body parts poking through. I have fun gently poking back, or rubbing her foot/knee/butt??, saying something out loud, imagining she can feel me and connect it to a voice. The first few times feeling the body parts (distinct hard bumps sticking through my skin), I actually felt woozy. Wow, there really IS an alien being inside me! But I got used to it, and feel comforted when there is an avalanche of movement rumbling inside.

When I notice that she hasn't moved for a while, I can't help but get worried. I jiggle my belly to see if she'll respond. Although everything has been fine, there is always that worry that something at any time could go wrong. So I do pay attention.

That reminds me...I haven't mentioned this, but in mid-February, I had scary cramps. I know it's mid-Feb. because I started getting them when Dav and I went to Pete and Katia's to help them move (and I checked her blog for the date; yay for blogs!). We weren't of much help, but whatever I did, I got cramps, and they felt different. I sat for a while and they didn't go away and were quite strong. I got worried, so Dav and I went home, and I called our hospital. They had me wait 30 minutes, and when I still had them, they advised me to come in. During the drive there, I started crying. It was my first time to really be worried, and realize that as chill and easy going as I had been, it would be very hard if this cramping led to a miscarriage. I kept thinking how sorry I'd be for Gargle-to-be. I realized I really cared about her with her own chance at life. After 3 hours, the cramps finally subsided. Could have been dehydration or something inside me doing extra stretching. I am very grateful that it was just a part of pregnancy that startled me.

I'm still not entirely connected to her, and she is still an independent foreign being inside me. I go about my business of trying to sleep, cook, walk, work, etc., and she's doing her own swimming/napping/kicking, growing, etc. But I do enjoy feeling her move...ah, she's still in there, hopefully happy with what I just ate.

I'm glad that both Dav and I have been rather chill...not worrying too much or drastically changing anything yet, although as I've mentioned before, there's the mental adjustment that's surreal. I love sharing this with Dav. I'm so proud of him, and am so excited to see him as a dad. I think he'll be super cool!

I've had to accept that I'm this awkward-looking pregnant lady with him now...who makes noises when moving, snores, eats all his food, absent-mindedly lifts her shirt to scratch her belly-button right in front of him, and unabashedly asks for massages and help with chores. I used to enjoy dressing up for him, going out on town, adding a little sexy something at night. Now, I don't fit into anything enticingly sexy, and there's no hiding this big belly. I feel like a toddler who bumps into things and doesn't move elegantly. For a while, having bigger boobs was fun, but they are, well, definitely looking like mommy-boobs already...

Other than that, what I'm physically noticing now:

• Heartburn - not constant, but enough that I've bought Tums, for the very first time in my life.


• Tightening around the belly - not contractions, but if I walk a lot or at night time, my belly gets hard as a rock and I can feel an overall tightening. This can last for a while and is rather uncomfortable


• Calf cramps - must be related to blood circulation. Happens most when I wake up and move my legs. My calf muscles just freeze and it hurts like hell. I've also noticed if I get up after sitting for a while that my calves feel tingly or numb


• Bigger belly - as expected, but it's really getting in the way. Dav will soon have to tie my shoes. Getting in/out of the car is hard, and I have to roll out of bed


• Internal summersaults - her head is down now so I don't think she's really doing summersaults, but there are certain movements that feel very internal, like her stepping right on my bladder, or a kick to some organ that hits my ribs. Very strange


• Sleeping - I'm definitely sleeping lightly now, tossing and turning a lot. I can't lie on my back for more than 15 minutes or so...sometimes longer if I put a support under my back. I guess the weight of my belly crushes my back. Lying on my sides are my only options, with a pillow between my legs and a small support right under my ribs. My ribs get pushed when on my side so even then, I can't stay long in one position. And flipping over isn't easy either since I really have no stomach muscles to use. I feel like a seal sometimes, rolling as best I can to and fro.

At times I've felt that this pregnancy stage is awkward indeed. Why didn't we follow the kangaroos to have belly pouches instead? Or why not a gigantic egg on which men could sit and incubate? For all this debate about Intelligent Design, I'm finding some flaws - and I've got it easy! If evolution is still perfecting the process, I'll help along. I just don't think some Being sat down and really thought this through. Especially when I still have BIRTH to go through.

I can't imagine what it used to be like, getting pregnant frequently, knowing that you might just die during child birth, with no hope of a nice epidural to calm your nerves. That women continue to populate this planet, I'm in awe of women's power and strength. I hope I can tap into that a bit please ;)

Wow. This is the longest blog entry I've ever written. But it's to my future self. Thanks for reading.